So you want to have a threesome! What you need to know

When it comes to enhancing your sex life one of the most fun things to do is add another body or two into the mix, but it can also be one of the most confusing and sometimes risky ventures you will take. There are so many things to think about. So many different dynamics. Not only physical, like where do all the legs go and why is there always an elbow digging in somewhere, but emotional too. Things like will jealousy become a factor? What if I don’t like it or change my mind halfway through? What if my partner decides they like our playmate more than me? 

Sometimes it can be such a minefield of what ifs and doubts it can turn you off trying it out at all, just in case it all goes wrong.

If you’re in a relationship the most important thing to do when you’re thinking about inviting another person into your bed is to talk to your partner about it first. And when I say talk I mean really talk. Just saying you want one isn’t enough, and your partner agreeing with you is also not enough. I mean, sure, that’s the first step, knowing you both want to do it, but it’s not the only thing you need to consider. Here are a few basic points and questions that are very important in the decision making process and will help you to see if you’re ready to do it and, more importantly, to make sure you’re both on the same page as to what you want, how you want it and what you’ll get out of it.

Firstly you should probably work out what gender you want the extra person to be. It might sound like a silly thing but if you’re all pumped for a threesome with two guys and your boyfriend thinks you mean two girls, well let’s just say things could get awkward.

Secondly you should talk about what it is you both want to get out of it. “Lots of orgasms” is an okay answer (I mean isn’t that why we all have sex anyway?), but not really what I’m talking about. What I mean is asking questions about what you want and expect to happen.

Things like:

  • Is it about watching your partner be with someone else?
  • Is it about having your partner watch you?
  • Is it about exploring a same sex experience for you, or your partner? 
  • Are there any things you don’t want to do?
  • Are there things you don’t want your partner to do?

Knowing your personal and relationship boundaries is really important. The good thing about it is they can be open to change and evolution, but they are definitely needed. The last thing you want, when knee-deep in threesomey goodness, is to see your partner doing something you really don’t want them to do. It could be as simple as them kissing the other person, but if it’s something that makes you uncomfortable and gets that green-eyed monster out then it’s most likely going to ruin the experience for everyone involved. Also talking to your future playmates about these sorts of things is a good idea. They too will have boundaries and expectations and questions, and the more open you are with them and the more discussion you have about what you all want and expect the better the whole thing will be.

But (I hear you saying) what if you think you’re going to be okay with certain things and then you find out that really you’re not. Is it okay to change your mind halfway through?

Yes it is, because sex should always be enjoyable and consensual and if you’re finding that it isn’t then you have every right to stop. Of course, saying something like “I’m feeling a bit uncomfortable can we stop for a while” is always a better idea than screaming “You bastard how DARE you do that” and running out of the room. Trust me. I’ve been in both situations and the former is always a way better way to deal with it.

But (I hear you saying again) what if I’m single? Do the rules change? 

To be honest, no, not really. You still need to know what you want and what your boundaries are. You still need to be aware of the limitations your playmates might have and you need to be open and honest when discussing it with them. But you should also be aware that if things do get funny when you’re with a couple, like someone starts to get jealous or feels left out, you might bear the brunt of someone’s reaction to it. Again, I have been in that situation and it’s not fun.

So once you’ve decided that you want to, and have agreed on your boundaries and expectations, the next step is finding someone to play with, and that’s not as easy as you might think it is. Here are a couple of suggestions to get you started.

Playing with Friends

There are pros and cons in this. The pros being that you know and like these people. They are a part of your world and your circle and, if it all works out, could be a whole new beginning to Saturday afternoon BBQs. The cons are pretty much the same as the pros. You know and like these people, they are part of your world and your circle… And so, if things go wrong, it could totally change your friendships and make what were once fun and friendly Saturday afternoon BBQs a thing of the past.

Meeting Online

The pros are it’s essentially a virtual pick and mix buffet where you can search for the perfect playmate. Someone who is exactly what you are looking for and who can help fulfil your desires. The cons are that often people online are not what they claim and it can turn into a long process to sort through the crap to actually find that diamond in the rough.

Going to a Party or Event

This is the actual pick and mix smorgasbord all you can eat buffet. Surrounded by people looking for pretty much the same thing you are. Bit of eye contact, a nod, and off you go! Well, it’s not as simple as that… But it can be close. The cons come when the people you want to play with aren’t interested in you, and the ones who are, just aren’t your cup of tea. But the good thing is, there are parties and events almost every weekend, so you can always try again next time.

So what are you waiting for? Sit down and start the conversation tonight! You’ll open up new doors, new excitement and put a whole lot more fun into your life… And when you think about it, that’s what life is all about right?

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